Despite the abundance of the universe, I’m always left with a sense of feeling that I’m not doing enough. That I’m not enough. It takes a toll on my mental health and in all honesty, some days it just gets really messy. Despite the advancement of the modern world, the never-ending need for new smart phones, Samgyupsal houses popping up here and there, the craze for aesthetic cafés, the convenience of online shopping, and booze sessions with friends – we remain undeniably unhappy.
While it might be human nature to always want more and better, I would very much like to argue that being born in the modern world is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had the misfortune of enduring, next to those years of mathematics. I feel like I’m on a one-way ticket down towards nothingness.
There’s always the fear of uncertainty looming above my head. I ask myself more often than I should be doing, “Am I going to make it?” and it keeps me up at night. There is this constant pressure of being recognized, of climbing high to join the prestigious hall of fame. I want to make a name for myself, that’s for certain, but at what cost? It’s all just a blur of sadness, disappointment and fear.
We’re always just suffering from random bouts of existential crisis and we make up for them by browsing through memes at two in the morning. We patch ourselves up with rounds of alcohol that really don’t do us any good in the long run; we always end up on the bathroom floors, don’t we? We fix our holes with food trips. These are just band aids to wounds we try to nurse in secret, the feelings we desperately try to ignore. We hide behind jokes of “ang sakit ng likod ko” memes because we have no idea how to cope with our exhaustion. We’re a generation that fears resting, because resting is a momentary stop to our productivity, and that momentary stop to our productivity must mean the slowdown of our growth.
But that isn’t true, not even a little bit. For someone who’s had countless breakdowns in the middle of the night and being constantly on edge, I’ve learned that what heals me are my days of doing nothing. By doing nothing, I patch myself up. I’m able to feel everything I haven’t been feeling for a while. The soft feel of my sheets, my hair tickling the corner of my ears, my breath cycle – it is in these idle moments that I feel most like myself. I remember why I’m here. I remember where I am. I remember all the things I still need to do, but with no rush. I remember.
There’s more to life than death and taxes. There’s more to life than getting another degree, than passing the board exams, than being the CEO at age 24. There’s more to life than fame, money, and glory.
Life is an experience – we only get one of it, and the paths to take are endless. There are doors that lead to nowhere, roads that lead somewhere, and we’re free to do U-turns and left-turns and right-turns. Because to live is to simply be. Being at the moment, being who you are – just being, in every sense of the word. There’s an entire world to explore, and we must not be pressured into thinking we need to have everything figured out.
Life, as an experience, also comes with pain. That’s quite hard to accept, because society has pressured us into perfection. Aiming for the moon has always been the ideal, and anything less than that is deemed a failure – which makes us suffer to no end. And pausing to suffer and mourn is considered a weakness, which is why we’ve developed different ways to pretend and hide. It’s important to know where your pain comes from. Once you recognize it, embrace it. “Kung kaya ng iba, bakit hindi mo kaya?” – try to get rid of this mentality. We’re all different. We’ve all got our little pains. It’s completely okay to feel.
Wherever you are, whatever you may be doing at the moment, please remember this: it is okay to rest and slow down. Take the time to reflect and process what you feel. Do not set your emotions aside, only to bring them out to suffer alone in the confines of your room. Recognize your body and mind’s need to pause. Despite what we’ve been made to believe, we are not machines expected to be functioning all the time.
Remember that it’s okay not to have everything. The pursuit of happiness and contentment starts when you recognize that the highlight of other people’s lives isn’t the absence of your own. It’s alright not to get that extra degree. It’s okay to fail the boards and try again. It’s okay to not become the CEO at age 24.
There is much to learn at 21, fresh from graduation, and there’s still much to learn at 83 when you’ve lived your entire life.
It’s okay to slow down.
It’s okay to rest.
